Anyone who has watched the 76ers play knows that this season has been an absolute joke. The season has been highlighted by Sammy Dalembert missing open 15 footers, Willie Green and Sweet Lou Williams playing defense like they are guarding Lil Bow Wow in Like Mike, (If you haven’t seen Like Mike I suggest you go and rent it so you can realize how fucking witty I am) and Andre Igoudala pounding his chest after a January win where neither team gave a shit about the outcome.
How can we fix this debacle? I’ll tell you how: Reality TV. Your probably thinking to yourself: “But John how will reality TV help the Sixers?” And “Wow, I just got your Like Mike reference and you are so fucking witty!” Of course, on the court the Sixers will continue to be a total disgrace. But off the court they will be nearly as interesting as the Jersey Shore cast, only without the herpes. (Just kidding about the herpes thing, there will be plenty of herpes on this team.)
Before this madness/beauty can start though, the Sixers need to assemble the perfect cast of players for the show, here is the ideal reality TV roster:
Point Guard/Head Coach – Allen Iverson – Obvious choice right here, as AI is not only an accomplished rapper, he also hit a lady in the head with a chair while in high school, pissed in a casino trash can with the casino staff watching, and has a well documented love for practice.
Shooting Guard – Ricky Davis- Back in 2003, he intentionally missed a shot on his own basket so that he could get the rebound to complete a triple double.
Small Forward – Darius Miles- Darius made headlines in 2004 when he yelled racial slurs at the Trail Blazers head coach. Also, Darius was a vital member of the “Jail Blazers” of the early 2000s while they were in their prime, and this list would be a mockery if it didn’t contain at least one Jail Blazer.
Power Forward – Zach Randolph- Zach was on leave from the team for his grandmother’s funeral and was seen “making it rain” on some “hoochies” at a gentleman’s club in Portland. Bravo, Zach.
Center Jason Caffey- 10 kids by 8 different women, nuff said.
Bench aka “Mr. Bostons”:
Bench players will play an integral role in helping this show reach its potential. The bench will serve the same role that Mr. Boston did in I Love New York. Much like Mr. Boston, bench players will be extremely white, will try way too hard, and most importantly will think they are tough despite the fact that they are no-talent pussies. The list would include such fundamentally sound yet obnoxiously overconfident college sharpshooters and oafs as:
I’m sure you are well aware that there are only 11 players on this team so far. Not to worry, the last four spots will be filled by an anonymous drug dealer, 2 strippers, and Marcus Vick.
The possibilities around this team and show are endless. I will not rest until this comes to fruition. Mr. Stern, my fellow Americans and I will await your approval with baited breath