The All-OJ Team

Since 2000, NFL players have been arrested 484 times. The Bengals had the most arrests team in the league with a whopping 29. This is going to be the team of the best criminals in football of the past 10-15 years. This includes being arrested shortly after their careers are over. I’ve weeded out all the wieners with joke arrests like misdemeanor assault, driving drunk, etc. Special honors are in bold; they are the members of the Eagles ❤ Dogs team. They are current or former Eagles whose crime is against the mans best friend. We’re going to start on the offense.

  • OL: Stockar McDougle. Let it be known that he is the brother of former Eagle bust Jerome McDougle. Felony Battery. He is, in fact, 6’6” 340 lbs. He shoved a senior citizen whom he owed over two thousand dollars.
  • OL: Nick Kaczur. Illegal possession of oxycodone. Unfortunately, his true white self came out when he then cooperated with feds to take down his supplier.
  • OL: Victor Riley. Charged with aggravated assault when he rammed his vehicle several times into a vehicle carrying his wife and daughter.
  • OL: Chester Pitts. After making an illegal turn, he pulled over and fled the scene. I guess Houston cops aren’t in the greatest of shape considering he is 6’4” 310.
  • OL: Bryant McKinnie. He was arrested for aggravated battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence after spitting on a bouncer outside a night club.

Backups: Adrian Klemm; punched in another motorists windshield over a traffic dispute. Chris Naeole; had to be tased before being arrested for disorderly conduct. Ross Verba; arrested on a felony warrant for writing bad checks.

This team is not going to be a run down your throat team, especially if the level of play is that of the degree of crime. I’d say Stockar McDougle is the strongest player on the line considering two things: A. It was a felony, only a felony because the man was over 65, but a felony nonetheless, always a good start. B. He was in debt 2200 dollars to a nursery owner. Only real men buy 2200 dollars of flowers. The weak link here is a toss up between Kaczur and Pitts. Pitts initial crime was extremely weak, but, he came through in the end, and eluded arrest for at least a little while. Kaczur had a decent crime with possession, and it wasn’t even marijuana. But, come on Nick we can’t be helping the cops on the All-OJ Team, weak link goes to Kaczur. Now to the skill positions.

  • K: Sebastian Janikowski. Named after the patron saint for athletes, he has been arrested 3 times since 2000. Once for felony possession of a controlled substance, once for a misdemeanor drunk driving charge, and once for a misdemeanor assault and vandalism.
  • TE: Mark Chmura. Arrested for sexual assault on his childrens 17-year-old babysitter during a drunken after prom party. He tried to have anal sex with her.
  • WR: Plaxico Burress. Literally shot himself in the foot in a crowded nightclub, was arrested for felony possession of a firearm, and here’s the kicker, had the audacity to plead “not guilty” in court. Really, Plax, really?
  • WR: Rae Carruth. Murdered his girlfriend. Nuff said.
  • WR: Donte Stallworth. While driving drunk, killed a pedestrian with his car. Charged with manslaughter.
  • RB: Onterrio Smith. Detained at Minneapolis-Saint Paul airport for carrying dried urine and a mysterious device. What was the device, you ask? A whizzinator. Yes, a whizzinator. But, what’s that, Matt? A product used to fraudulently pass a drug test. The Whizzinator comes as a kit complete with dried urine and syringe, heater packs (to keep the urine at body temperature), a false penis (available in several skin tones including white, tan, latino, brown, and black) and instruction manual.
  • RB: Jamal Anderson. Charged with possession of cocaine and marijuana. He was actually caught snorting cocaine off of a toilet bowl in the bathroom at an Atlanta restaurant.
  • QB: Michael Vick. Captain of the distinguished Eagles ❤ Dogs team. He wanted to host dog shows, but it appeared as if they were fighting, and he was funding it. Convicted of felony dog-fighting charges.

Backups: WR: Terry Glenn; auto theft. Chris Henry; R.I.P. arrested 6 times in the last decade. The most recent was for throwing a beer bottle at a car window, and before that it was providing alcohol to 3 teenage girls. Anthony Mix; had sex with a 15-year-old girl. Kelly Campbell; arrested on possession charges of marijuana and, wait for it, ecstasy. Tyrone Calico; arrested while having sex in a car with an 18-year-old woman. Charlie Rogers; aggravated assault, while resisting arrest, he made terroristic threats. Albert Connell; stole $4,363 from teammate Deuce McCallister. Andre Rison; or should I say “Brock Middlebrook,” that’s the alias he used once, but more importantly he wrote $158,000 in bad checks to a single jewelry store in Georgia.

RB: Herbert “Whisper” Goodman. Charged with strangulation and suffocation, false imprisonment, battery, disorderly conduct and trying to intimidate a victim. In 2000 and 2001, Goodman had 4 rush attempts for minus 3 yards, thought I’d throw that out there. Marshawn Lynch; theft, marijuana/weapons possession, stole $20 from a woman at TGI Fridays. Larry Ned; stole a laptop from another flier at an airport. Michael Pittman; used his Hummer to ram car holding his wife, 2-year-old-son, and a babysitter. Najeh Davenport; broke into a dorm and defecated in a closet. Travis Henry; knowing that Henry has 9 children with 9 women, this must be sexual. He tried to make sexual advances on a 15-year-old girl. Stacey Mack; propositioned and undercover officer for oral sex. Thomas Hamner; a member of the distinguished Eagles ❤ Dogs team. He was caught loving his pit bull too much but it unfortunately looked like he was beating it on two occasions.

QB: Marcus Vick; firearms.

I know that’s a lot to soak in. Rae Carruth is the obvious Offensive MVC (Most Valuable Criminal). That being said, I do admire Burress’s boldness in pleading not guilty to the felony gun charge. He also openly admitted that he has a license for it in Florida. Carrying a gun across state lines is, in fact, illegal. The weak link here is tight end, although I applaud you Mark Chmura for trying to get some anal sex from a drunk 17-year-old. You shall be lauded also for refusing to meet Bill Clinton at the White House with you super bowl champion team because of your intense passion for the Republican party. Now for the defense, again we’ll start with the line.

  • DE: Charles Grant. Charged with involuntary manslaughter, but loses major points for the victim being a pregnant woman.
  • DT: Leonardo Carson. Charged with kidnapping and burglary while home in Mobile, AL for his grandfathers funeral.
  • DT: Terry “Tank” Johnson. Tank was arrested in possession of 6 guns, while on probation for a gun charge.
  • DE: Jeremiah Parker. Charged with aggravated manslaughter, but, like Grant, loses major points for the victim; this time it was his girlfriends 4-year-old son.

Backups: Anthony Hargrove; harassment and criminal mischief, resisting arrest, struck a police officer outside club. Peppi Zelner; possession of crack cocaine with intent to sell. Marcus Thomas; possession of cocaine and an illegal firearm. Montae Reagor; harassment, telephone threats made to a former girlfriend. Jonathan Jolly; felony possession, was in possession of 200 grams of codeine. Fred Evans; disorderly conduct, trespassing and resisting arrest, as well as battery on a police officer, and major points for having to be tased. Darrell Russell; points for originality, was the only person in the league to be arrested for possession of the date rape drug.

Okay, so we got some pretty good criminals in here. Leonardo Carson is really only a starter for two reasons. A. Originality. Only one in the league arrested for kidnapping. B. Timing. He did while missing practice for his grandfathers funeral. I’d say Tank is my favorite on here, you’d think if you got arrested and convicted once for a gun charge, you wouldn’t carry one anymore…or two…or three…or four…or five…or six. And, Montae Reagor, way to show your toughness with phone threats to your girlfriend, pussy.

  • LB: Ray Lewis. Charged with murder, felony murder, and aggravated assault, but pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice. I still think he did it, making him the most exemplary of O.J.
  • LB: Jeremiah Pharms. 1st degree robbery, not quite sure what that is, but more importantly he pistol-whipped and shot his drug dealer in Seattle.
  • LB: Richard Siegler: 3 felony counts of running a prostitution ring in Las Vegas, NV.
  • CB: Adam “Pacman” Jones. What didn’t Pacman do? You name it, he probably did it, minus rape, murder and anything that involves any knowledge. He was charged with felony coercion, assault (for spitting on a woman outside a night club) and felony vandalism.
  • S: Terrence Kiel. Possessing and shipping large quantities of prescription cough syrup, which is a controlled substance.
  • S: Damon Moore. The final member of the prestigious Eagles ❤ Dogs team. But, before we get to that, how bout drunk driving, driving the wrong way on a highway ramp, driving with expired tags, and driving with a law-enforcement emblem on his car. He also decided he loved his dog sooo much that he purposely left him at a soccer field for someone else to enjoy his company.
  • CB: Dwayne Goodrich. Dwayne killed 2 people and was convicted of 2 counts of manslaughter in a hit and run accident.
  • P: Mitch Cozad. I know you all know that he isn’t a professional punter, but he earned this spot. He WAS the backup punter for the real UNC, University of Northern Colorado until he stabbed starter Rafael Mendoza in his kicking leg so that Cozad could take over the starting position. Unfortunately, he was kicked off the team before ever making a start.

Backups: LB: Gary Stills; took a page out of FredEx’s book and didn’t pay child support. Darren Hambrick; felony grand-theft, stole a $5,682.51 check from the Panthers. Bill Romanowski; 4 felony charges of fraudulently obtaining prescription diet drugs, little gay, Bill, little gay.

CB: Ahmad Carroll; possession of a weapon without a license, possession of drugs and firearm during the commission of a felony, and the best one, the only reason he made it, possession of ecstasy. Frank Walker; possession of a stolen vehicle. Corey Fuller; gambling and gun charges, hosted high-stakes card games. Chris McAlister; misdemeanor disturbing the peace. Now, you’re asking well, why is he on here? He disturbed the peace of an airplane by arguing with and threatening to strike a flight attendant over his seat assignment.

S: Quintin Williams; DUI, and the only one in the NFL charged with drag racing. Was caught doing 111 mph. Dwight Smith; he pulled a pellet gun on 2 young fans who approached his car while in line at the drive-thru of McDonalds. Brock Marion; theft, fraudulent car insurance claim.

After reviewing all the facts, I would have to say that the Defensive MVC is less obvious than the offense due to Ray Lewis’ plea deal. I personally would have to say that the Defensive MVC is Richard Siegler for running his prostitution ring. It takes a really messed up guy to rent girls out. Dwight Smith wins asshole of the decade for pulling his pellet gun out on 2 young fans, although Bill Romanowskis illegally obtaining diet drugs is down there. Romanowskis “crime” is by far the least hard and the gayest crime on the whole team.

I know that’s a lot, heres a little recap.

Eagles ❤ Dogs Team

  • Michael Vick (captain)
  • Thomas Hamner
  • Damon Moore

Offensive MVC

  • Rae Carruth

Defensive MVC

  • Richard Siegler

War Eagle,

Bronco

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