The Redskins: The Joke of the NFC East, Now With Fat Black Man!

I was going to start my return to this blog by giving a breakdown of the NFC East. However, since I’m writing this at 1am and I’ve just started drinking vodka with my brother, I’m going to get right down to business. I assume the readers of this blog stay current on the Eagles and our division rivals, the Giants and Cowboys. Many though, including myself, forget the fourth member of our division, the Washington Redskins.

I never thought I would find myself not only caring about, but also writing about the Washington Redskins. This summer, perhaps due to some unholy intervention, they have managed to squirm their way onto a national stage. Granted, it took an Eagles player to get them there, but come on, they haven’t won the division since…wait, since McNabb’s rookie year. Yeah, this just reeks of the devil’s work.

This summer, the Redskins first caught the nation’s attention when they hired new head coach, or as I like to call him “next fired head coach,” Mike Shanahan. So, Shanahan is a fine coach who won two Super Bowls with John Elway and consistently gave average college running backs a career which would have otherwise been somewhere in a food prep line. So, yeah, he’s decent, but cahmm ahhn, it’s the Redskins, right? They’ll still end up with some ridiculous joke for a starting quarterback and- ahhh shit they got McNabb.

Shanahan coaches a West Coast offense, which is what McNabb has spent his entire career playing under. Shanahan also uses a run-heavy version of the West Coast offense, which should take some pressure off McNabb. So, well, shit, maybe the Redskins will be relevant this year. If only there were some off the field problem, something to destroy the team from within. Well, leave it to a man who once cleat stomped another man’s face to come to the rescue.

Albert Haynesworth waddled into the Redskins organization this off-season carrying a $100million deal. He then proved he was worth this contract by failing the mandatory conditioning test. Then again. Then again. Then he just skipped it two days in a row.

So what is the conditioning test? Two 300-yard shuttles with a 3 ½ minute break in between. The shuttles have to be completed in 70 seconds. To put it simply, it’s really freaking easy. So, after failing twice, not even finishing the third time, and just flat out skipping it the next two days, the redskins finally have that perfect mixture of football viability and off-field embarrassment to be considered a true NFC East team once again. Welcome, Redskins, and if we veterans can give you one piece of advice…don’t sign TO.

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